Crisis
by Lady Merlin
Summary: Jim has a minor melt down, and who better to help than Spock?


Song Lyrics belong to Alexi Murdoch in the song 'Shine'.

Summary: Jim has a personal confidence crisis and really, who can help but Spock?

Note: I know that Jim has a lot of confidence and then some, but even the greatest leaders (especially them) doubt themselves sometimes, right?

***~*~***

_Well I didn't come here_

_Looking for a soul_

_And I'm tired of watching dust_

_Collecting on a bowl_

_I'm a spirit trying to be human_

_I'm just a spirit trying to be human_

_You hold on to yourself_

_You're afraid that you might_

_Get left behind_

_And so you hide your eyes_

_You're afraid that the light_

_Will make you blind_

_But it's time_

_It's time to shine_

***~*~***

The shore-leave was coming to an end on a low note, which was the way the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise preferred it, really. No bombs, guns, emergencies, sudden desperate diplomatic missions, dead people, killer space dust, lovers tiffs (heaven forbid) or random acts of psychotic violence in any way disruptive to their schedule. Life was good. Except for one thing, to Spock anyway. He couldn't find Jim. He had searched everywhere in a logical progression, from the place with the highest probability of having Jim, to the lowest. It was possible that he had missed Jim who traveled in the same manner as himself, but who began before Spock himself did, however the probability of that was next to nothing.

He decided that the next best thing would be to recruit other people in his search. The best person to help him, despite his annoying tendency to argue for the sake of argument, was Dr. McCoy. Dr. McCoy was, predictably, found on a table in a bar somewhere, proceeding to imbibe copious quantities of alcoholic beverages, simply because they were banned on the Enterprise.

"Dr. McCoy, may I request your assistance?" Spock began, behind him.

"Huh?" Bones spun and saw Spock. "What? What happened? You're not sick, are you?" he asked. Spock shook his head. "Oh, okay. Than how can I help you?"

"I am currently unable to locate the Captain. I was wondering if you could assist me, I have a matter of importance to discuss with him."

"I'm a Doctor, Spock, not a baby-sitter! Wait. Jim's missin'?" Spock nodded, watching an aura of protectiveness come over the doctor's face. "Sure,

I'll help, but Spock. I know you can talk normally. Please stop talking in fancy diplomat talk. I've already had two shots, I'm not as bright as I should be." Spock resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

They began looking for him. The Gym, the Mess Hall, the Library, the Computer Lab, the Ship itself. He was nowhere to be found. Both men were becoming worried. Jim wasn't normally like this. He would show up the night before take off, and ensure everyone was there and in tip top condition.

He was a surprisingly responsible man, Spock reflected. He did a lot more work than Spock had expected. He was also quite talented in the areas of physics and mechanics, and open minded in other areas; a gift which so many people lacked. He was also a quick and efficient learner, and had no qualms acknowledging his lack of knowledge.

Suddenly an idea struck Spock and he sat down at the main computer in the Ship, and searched for the signal emitted by the Captain's personal information device. It was a code both he and Dr. McCoy had memorized.

The signal was faint, but true, coming from the engineering deck. Spock went ahead. McCoy seemed to have sat down and fallen asleep. No doubt the man had had a lot more than two shots, of something a lot stronger than whisky.

He walked until he found Jim, sitting on the floor, back to a wall. He was staring pointedly at his shoes. "Jim," Spock said, immediately sensing that something was wrong. Jim didn't look up. He didn't answer. "Are you alright?" Spock asked, crouching beside him. He placed a hand to Jim's forehead, and the man did not have a fever. However, despite not intending to, he got very strong images of inadequacy. It was strange, but they seemed to be coming from Jim.

"Jim." Spock said, more to shake him out of this, whatever it was, than to talk to him.

"I'm fine," Jim said, swatting a hand in the air. "I'm fine. Just leave me alone."

Spock had known this man for four years. He was the last person on Earth, or anywhere in the galaxy, who would ever ask for help. He was probably the most stubborn man alive. When he asked to be left alone, it generally meant he did not want to show weakness. So, Spock ignored him and sat down beside him in a most undignified manner. "Would you like to tell me what seems to be the problem?"

Jim snorted. "Nope."

So the two men sat there in silence, in patience. Spock was the most patient man ever born, and intelligent while he was at it. He figured that Jim would talk to him when the silence was too much to bear.

Twenty minutes passed, and Jim began to whisper. It was only Spock's superior hearing that allowed him to understand what Jim was saying.

"I'm not a top student." Spock almost heaved a sigh of relief, before wondering why something so menial was bothering Jim to such a great extent. There was more. "I'm not smart. I was never smart. I hated school, and I couldn't follow rules. It wasn't even a choice, it was my natural behaviour. I probably didn't deserve to get into Starfleet. I wouldn't have, with my record, without Captain Pike's recommendation, no way. I wouldn't have got onto the Enterprise without Bones, who loves me like his kid. Which dad wouldn't give his kid a leg up? I wouldn't have been able to warn Captain Pike without Uhara's knowledge, which I heard while hiding under her room mate's bed, by the way. I wouldn't have been able to do anything. I wouldn't have even thought of hurting you without Spock Prime. I wouldn't have survived that planet without Spock Prime. I wouldn't have been able to beam aboard without Scotty. Scotty wouldn't have been there if he hadn't lost a dog. I wouldn't have been able to stop the Romulans if you hadn't been there, all the way. I wouldn't have been able to do shit, without anyone else. I'd have rotted back here, at HQ, listening to the news of people dying left, right'n'centre." Jim was now breathing loud, hands in his hair, eyes wide, but still firmly fixed to his shoes.

Spock still didn't get it.

"My entire life is a series of fucking coincidences. I might almost not have been born, imagine that. I almost killed myself, and stopped because I was chicken." This was new to Spock, but it was most certainly not the time to raise the issue. "I haven't done anything but get myself landed in jail. I'm worth nothing. I don't deserve this. I'm not good enough," Jim began whispering again, "I'm nowhere near good enough. I'm a complete fluke! A joke! Oh my god. What was I _thinking_?"

Spock realised what was going on. Jim was having a panic attack, or a self-confidence crisis. It happened to people in high positions, who had reached there from the very bottom. Jim was now tangling his fingers in his hair with an almost desperate urgency. He was definitely having a full blown panic attack.

"Jim, listen to me. You are _not_ worthless, whatever you may think. You are one of the best Captains I know, by far."

Jim didn't look convinced. Spock knew he was probably the _worst_ person for this job. He couldn't compliment people for nuts. It was just not him. But then it occurred to him that all he had to do was tell the truth.

"Jim, you're a very compassionate man, capable of great love. You're someone I trust with my life, and the crew does too. We trust you to make the judgments and decisions required to keep us safe." His words had the opposite effect.

"Oh my god. How the hell do I take that responsibility? I don't know _anything_ about logic, or morals, or the best thing to do? How do I judge? I'm going to quit tonight. I can't risk another night, can't risk your lives." He seemed set on it, and for the first time, Spock got worried.

"Jim, listen to me. You are better than this. You are intelligent. You cannot believe all this nonsense!"

"Everything I'm saying is nonsense, is it?" Jim asked, but he sounded a bit better.

"Absolutely. Normally you make sense, but now you're just being self-depreciating, and unnecessarily so. Come on Jim. You have proven yourself time and time again, and no one doubts you now."

"But what if I do?" Jim asked, quietly. "I don't trust that I can do it. I'm so scared I'll make a mistake and someone will die. How will I handle it if you die, Spock? Or if Bones dies? What will I tell his kid? How will I survive?"

"Oh, Jim. When people sign up for Starfleet duties they know the dangers."

"Doesn't make me any less responsible."

"Yes, it does. Jim, you have to trust that I _know_ you can do it. I _know _it. And there is very little I cannot confirm, Jim." It worked. Jim's mouth twitched. "Jim, I trust you. Bones' trusts you. Uhura trusts you. We all do. And we _know_ you can lead us."

Jim sighed. "I don't really have a choice, do I?"

Spock shook his head, hopeful. He then remembered hope was a feeling—aw heck it.

Jim got up and walked out, before turning, and saying with great difficulty but true gratitude, "Thanks." Spock nodded, not finding it any easier. It would be better if they just pretended it didn't happen. After all. It's what friends did, right?

Well? How was it? I'm sorry for the rushed ending. My sister is being pushy. REVIEW!!!


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